Jan
11
We Have Lost The War On Boars – SOME MORE NEWS


(intense jingle) (exhales) – Here’s, it’s, news, some. So we’ve closed out 2019,
the Year of the Pig, and now we’re heading into 2020! A new decade! But also a year of the pig. (sighs) It’s all, it’s all gonna be pig years
from here on out, I guess. Because somebody, and I’m not gonna name names, but somebody thought it was just bushels of chuckle-snacks every time this news
dude worked tirelessly to bring you the latest in boar atrocity. I warned you in 2017. I warned you in 2018. And I warned you in 2019. I told you all that a single teleporting and radioactive boar was taking it’s grotesque hump-jamboree on a jizz tour through Asia and Russia, originating from Chernobyl
and Fukushima plants, and when you didn’t hear me, I explained that the birthed horde was swarming over Europe, learning psychic powers, and making their way into the states. I offered solutions like
building a wall to keep them out, and when no one heard my pleas, I spoke of the rising invasion
right here in our America! Did you listen? Did you? I know I said I wasn’t
going to name names, but I name your name! I name you, you person with a name, you! Whatever your name is, it’s what I name! Since my last video,
just three months ago, there has been some boar news about a 200-pound wild hog sending a pig trapper to the
hospital back in October. That trapper’s name? James Dean. Dean. Are you seeing the message they send? Less than a month later on September 16th, a doubly-sized 400-pound hog was found in San Antonio, Texas. Halfway across America from Florida. And only two days later, a teenager was killed when his car swerved to avoid a hog in the same state. But none of this made national news. There was no presidential address. We just guffawed heartily like the fat lords of Kingdom Dip(beep). It was real fun for you all posting the occasional hog story, jesting about how that
30 to 50 feral hogs guy might have been right all along. But feral hogs guy wasn’t right all along. Cody was right before feral hogs guy! #CodyWasRight, #ThankYouCody, #WeLoveCody! #Cody. But it was too late, folks. Because back in November, we learned that a woman in Texas was straight up murdered
by a pack of feral hogs. And like, pushing aside my own theories and excitability about the subject, that’s like, that’s like legit horrible. Like holy (beep), what the ever-living (beep)
is going on with that? And now, the swine gangs
have pushed past Texas and are going (beep)-hog on the entire San Francisco Bay Area. Tearing up lawns to show their increasing dominance over the West Coast. They are in 56 of
California’s 58 counties. My California! My doorstep! And then, more recently, they officially crossed the line by eating $22,000 worth
of Italian cocaine. My cocaine! No, someone’s cocaine, it’s not mine! I have no ties to the Italian mob and will sue you if you say otherwise! But the point here is these hogs have evolved far faster than what even I predicted, blowing past stone and bronze all the way to the Cocaine Age. They are on our precious go-fast dust, riding the white rail to Valhalla, funded by Big C, the great pearl armor, and there’s nothing
that can stop them now. Japan, Russia, they’re
a lost cause months ago. The population officially
more boar than human. They’ve even taken over
the media over there. (woman screaming) (camera shaking violently) That’s right. You think you can trust anything coming out of overseas news now? Back in early 2019, North Korea’s Agriculture Ministry was reporting issues
with a swine outbreak, resulting in the deployment of helicopters to sweep the 250-kilometer long border. And then, radio silence. Despite a clear hog-war
happening in the country, North Korea’s media suddenly
went dark on the subject. Gee, I wonder why. And now they’re here! Pouring over the Canadian border and feeding off our
crops and probably babies and wearing little coats
to blend in, most likely! Oh, you wanna make a
pun about it, guardian? It’s some kind of fucking ha-ha joke? Or should I call you Boar-dian, because you’re boars now! To quote Ryan Brook, a
researcher in the article, “there is a general denial “that wild pigs are a critical issue.” And I mean, why wouldn’t there be? With this clear pro-boar
bias in the media. A resource the enemy clearly
knew to infiltrate first. How else do you explain this (beep)? Uh, oh, actually, wild boars
are good for businesses and we should welcome them with open arms! I’m fucking on to you, CNN! Or should I call you Boar-N-N? Yeah, that’s what I should call you. Unbelievable. At least the government is
urging us to fight back though, and even sending aid to
help in the boar war. But folks, it’s hard out there. According to hog experts, boars will absolutely
fight back if challenged and should be treated like an angry bear. In other words, you run and hope you don’t die. That’s it. Now imagine that same bear temperament, but multiplied by thousands and quickly invading the entire country until we’re drowning in live ham. This is our reality now. You know, you try to warn people. You tell them hey, I know it seems like a joke, but boars are actually a problem. And everyone laughs and says, oh jeez, there goes Crazy Cody, fabricating outrage like a
classic Swine Justice Warrior. It’s the 2010s, we don’t
have boar problems anymore! Sure, there was a big
thing in the 30s and 50s, but we’re far past all that! Then one or two boars pop up. Then a few more. And they call themselves pigs, like it’s totally not
the same thing as boar, and the media eats it up. Going on about these dapper
new pigs invading the country. Showing that pigs can’t be hateful beasts because they totally have
friends that aren’t boars! We put them in our children’s films, like it’s totally normal that a boar could carry on
entire psychic conversations and even adopt our young! And so we all let our guard down, ignore the people
frantically waving their arms and screaming don’t trust the boars! Then we hear the stories
about boar attacks and think, well, maybe the boars felt threatened and were just trying
to protect themselves. And if they even are boar, well, violence won’t stop them. That will just strengthen
the boar beliefs. And if we lash out at them, well then, we’re just as bad as the boars. (spits) And before we can actually
address the problem, we move on to some lesser distraction like the President’s
crimes or overseas wars or the fact that Nazi’s are slowly infiltrating our government. And the boar conversation stops. At least until the next boar attacks. And we get tired of it, throw up our hands in defeat. And the vicious pattern gets normalized until one day, we wake up, look out the window, and find an ocean of Pumbaas, taking turns hate-(beep) the shattered corpse of our mail carrier. (upbeat transition jingle) And this, my gentle babies, is where we are at now. I tried to warn you. I did my very best. But you just didn’t listen, and now it’s not about how we can stop this curly-tailed scourge, but what we can do to live with it. This is their world now. Our options are limited. We can learn to walk on all fours, rummage for potatoes and hope that we can simply learn to assimilate in this
hogtopian swinescape. And I won’t blame you for
throwing in the towel, friend. Lord knows it’s hard out
there in those vast porklands. The sow rapture bears little respite for the tuskless and un-snuffled. Or we can fight until the bitter end, harnessing our collective and primal soul and chiseling out one glorious
last stand for humanity! Because sure, it’s not just
that we lost the war on boars, but that we never even
had one to begin with. The war was canceled. And we can go all go home. Boars are becoming the
dominant species in the world, and our friends who have died here, will have died for nothing. But we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideas like peace, freedom, not having boars, well, they get packed up. But we can all go home. Well, I’m not going home. I’m gonna get in my car, and I’m going up the 10,
maybe stop for lunch, and I’m gonna kick those
son-of-a-bitch boars ass so hard that the next boar
wannabe is gonna feel it. Now who wants to go home and who wants to watch
the Street Fighter movie, which is where I got this speech! Great speech, terrible film. So anyway, that’s about how my year went. It’s been pretty rocky. Pretty dark. But yeah, I guess I hope, you know, you had a happy 2019, and watch out for boars! And check out the movie Street Fighter. It’s the general point of
this video you just watched. So, yeah, I guess that’s uh, (clicks tongue) #CodyLovesYou. (intense music) It’s for the boars. Hey everybody, welcome to 2020, the year that’s good and only good. Thank you so much for watching and for subscribing to our channel and for all your support, which if you’d like to more of it, Patreon.com/SomeMoreNews. Got podcasts, Even More News. You’re the real heroes, and what I said earlier,
Cody Loves You, very true. Like and subscribe. YouTube.com. Yep!