Sep
12
Trump’s Latest Beefs: Chrissy Teigen and the Taliban | The Daily Show


Yes, it turns out President
Trump is so embarrassed by his hurricane blunder that
his administration threatened to fire any weather officials who wouldn’t back up
his alternative facts. And, guys, the NOAA
doesn’t have time for this. -Their job is to monitor
hurricanes. -MAN: Yeah! If they’re distracted
by Trump’s beefs, you realize what could happen. We could have
a giant backlog of hurricanes. They can’t come in. Yeah. Because,
without their hurricane permits, they’re not allowed
to come into the country. It’s a whole process. You have to get your name,
your category. It’s just like they’re waiting
in line, like, “Hey, what’s goin’ on? We’re trying to get in!” (laughter, clapping) It’s just, like, a whole–
a whole thing. And while the Weather Service
is trying to deal with Trump’s hurricane beef, he’s already started
another one. The president also sparked
a beef with John Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen,
last night. Uh, it apparently happened
after he watched an MSNBC special
with Lester Holt and John Legend on efforts to fix the broken
criminal justice system. He tweeted, in part…
(reading): John Legend responded,
tweeting this… (reading): Chrissy Teigen also responded. Her tweet, uh,
we cannot put on-air due to its vulgarity. (laughter) That’s right. Donald Trump
lashed out at John Legend and Chrissy Teigen
because he feels like they’re taking credit
for achieving criminal justice reform instead
of giving him the praise. Now, John Legend
and Chrissy Teigen both hit back at the commander in tweet.
You saw John’s reply. But Chrissy Teigen’s response was too vulgar
for the news to repeat. Luckily, we’re not the news. (cheering and applause) So… here it is. Trump called her “John Legend’s
filthy-mouthed wife.” But because he didn’t have
the guts to tag her on Twitter, Chrissy Teigen called him
“a pussy ass bitch.” (cheering and applause) And… and, to be honest,
to be honest, I don’t know why the news
can’t say that on-air. It’s a well-known
medical condition in which a bitch’s ass
is replaced by a pussy. And I think the more we talk
about it in society, the more we can destigmatize
this serious disease. So, Trump’s beefing
with the weather and he’s beefing
with celebrities. But there’s one Trump beef that might actually have
major real-world consequences. REPORTER: A developing story out
of Washington this morning. President Trump revealing
in a tweet that he had been planning
a secret meeting -with the Taliban. -REPORTER 2:
Tonight, the White House had hoped to surprise the world with the Taliban at Camp David
signing a peace deal, as President Trump tweeted
Saturday night… (reading): -(siren wailing)
-But the president canceled the secret summit after
Thursday’s suicide bombing at a Kabul checkpoint.
Trump said in his tweet that he immediately canceled
the peace talks, asking, “How many more decades
are they willing to fight?” Okay, this story’s wild. Over the weekend,
Trump tweeted out that he was canceling
a secret meeting he had planned with the Taliban because they had launched
an attack in Afghanistan. And this came out of the blue,
because no one knew Trump had scheduled peace talks
with the Taliban. Like, what Trump did here
is like your best friend telling you that he’s getting
a divorce and you’re like, “I didn’t even know
you were married.” And he’s like, “Yeah, dude.
It just wasn’t gonna work out. She killed 11 people
in Afghanistan. It was crazy.” This whole thing was wild.
Did you hear what they said? They were like– they wanted
to surprise the nation. Yeah, everyone would’ve been
surprised if they were like, “The Taliban’s at Camp David.”
“I’m sorry, what?” “Surprise!” It’s
the worst surprise in the world. And, now, if you’re
still confused by the story, you’re not the only one. But as far as we can understand
from what’s being reported, here’s what they say
really happened. Over the past nine years,
the U.S. government has been trying to get
a peace deal with the Taliban to end the war in Afghanistan.
Right? In the past few weeks,
it looked like that deal was close to happening. But when Trump heard
about this deal, he demanded that the Taliban
come to Camp David in America to sign the deal
with him on camera so that he would get the praise. But the Taliban didn’t want
to come to America, firstly, because they don’t
trust the United States, uh, which I understand. They’re like, uh,
“We’re not coming there.” And, secondly, because they probably don’t want
to deal with the TSA. (laughter) Can you imagine how stressful
that shit’s gonna be for them? (applause) Just gonna come in… (applause and cheering) …as the Taliban? You have to fill out
the little forms. The guy at the TSA’s
gonna be like, “So, uh, what do you do
for a living?” Be like, “I’m the leader
of the Taliban.” “So you’re a terrorist?” “Yes, but not for this trip,
okay? Not for this trip. This time, I’m off the clock.” So the Taliban refused
to come to America, and Trump tweeted out, “No,
I’m breaking up with you guys.” And, so, there is a possibility that the war in Afghanistan
will continue now because Trump has put
a photo opportunity above peace. -(audience groaning)
-Yeah. Which, according to WebMD, is a classic symptom
of a pussy ass bitch.