Sep
11
Trump Thinks We Are All Idiots


IT’S VERY NICE. THANKS FOR JOINING US ON, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, A VERY SPECIAL DAY HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY BEEN CELEBRATING IS BEYONCE’S BIRTHDAY, 38 YEARS OLD TODAY. SHE’S ONE OF THE VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WHEN SHE BLOWS OUT HER CANDLES DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE A WISH. SHE’S GOT THAT FAN GOING ALL THE TIME. IF YOU’RE WATCHING THE SHOW TONIGHT, WHICH YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT IS NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD HAS GONE COMPLETELY NUTS. THERE IS A CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE WHO HAS MADE THE EDUCATED DECISION TO BAN HARRY POTTER BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY. THE MAN WHO RUNS THE SCHOOL BELIEVES THE INCANTATIONS IN THE BOOK COULD CONJURE EVIL SPIRITS. FOR REAL. IT’S AN ACTUAL STATEMENT FROM THE REFERENDUM DAN REHILL WHO SAYS THE CURSE AND SPELLS USED IN THE BOOK ARE ACTUAL CURSES AND SPELLS WHICH RISK CONJURING EVIL SPIRITS INTO THE PRESENCE OF THE PERSON READING THE TEXT. THIS IS NOT SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION. THIS IS THE LEAD EDUCATEDER IN A SCHOOL IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. REFERE REVEREND REHILL SAYS HE CONSULTED IN ROME. AND THEY GOT RID OF THE BOOKS. WE REACHED OUT TO THE SCHOOL, AND WE ARE JOINED NOW BY FATHER DAN REHILL OF THE ST. EDWARDS SCHOOL IN NASHVILLE. THAT’S RIGHT. HE’S WITH US, LET’S GO TO HIM NOW. HELLO, REVEREND. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>LISTEN, YOU GODLESS HOLLYWOOD SODOMITE.>>Jimmy: BLESSINGS UPON YOU, TOO. APPRECIATE YOU TAKING TIME. WHY ARE YOU BANNING THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS?>>WHY AM I BANNING THE BOOKS?>>Jimmy: YES, WHY ARE YOU BANNING PIECE BELOVED BOOKS?>>BECAUSE THE CURSES WHEN READ ALOUD CAN SUMMON DEMONS, IT SEEMS OBVIOUS TO ME WHY I BANNED THEM.>>Jimmy: IF THAT WERE TRUE, IF THE SPELLS SUMMONED DEMONS WHEN YOU READ THEM ALOUD, WOULDN’T THERE BE MILLIONS OF DEMONS OUT THERE ALREADY?>>THERE ARE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A SIX FLAGS?>>Jimmy: THAT’S SILLY.>>MOST PEOPLE READ BOOKS TO THEMSELVES, NO CONJURING, NO PROBLEM. THAT IS NOT A PROBLEM. THEN SOME DUMMY DAD READS THEM OUT LOUD TO HIS KIDS AND BLAMO, THE DEVIL. WITH A BIG RED PENIS AND EVERYTHING. CAN’T GET THE PICTURE OUT OF MY MIND.>>Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES? PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THOSE FOR YEARS. THEY ALL SAY THE SPELLS OUT LOUD.>>HMM. EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SEC. LET ME JUST GIVE THAT A LITTLE THOUGHT.>>Jimmy: REVEREND? IT’S — >>I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.>>Jimmy: WHAT’S GOING ON THERE, REVEREND?>>AH, AH, AH.>>Jimmy: REVEREND?>>OKAY, I GOT THE ANSWER NOW.>>Jimmy: WHAT IS THE ANSWER?>>MOVIES DON’T COUNT.>>Jimmy: REVEREND, ARE YOU HUFFING PAINT? THAT’S VERY DANGEROUS.>>RELAX, IT’S HOLY PAINT. DO YOU THINK I’D HUFF REGULAR PAINT? I’M NOT SOME KIND OF NUT.>>Jimmy: YOU SHUOULD PROBABLY STOP THAT.>>I WISH I COULD, BUT I LOVE IT TOO MUCH.>>Jimmy: ARE THE SPELLS IN HARRY POTTER THE ONLY SPELLS WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT? OR ARE THERE OTHER SPELLS TO FEAR? ? TH>>THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION, JOSE. EVIL SPELLS ARE EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME MICHAEL JACKSON SINGS “MAMA SAY, MAMA SAW.” SKUT EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO TO THE MINI VAN.>>Jimmy: I APPRECIATE YOUR TIME SO MUCH. BAN SOMETHING. DOING THE LORD’S WORK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PRESIDENT TRUMP FINALLY GETTING THE MONEY FOR THAT WALL OF HIS. THE PENTAGON YESTERDAY AGREED TO TRANSFER $3.6 BILLION FROM THEIR BUDGET, THE MILITARY BUDGET, TO HELP PAY FOR HIS WALL, WHICH, WELL, NANCY PELOSI TODAY SAID CANCELING THE MILITARY CONSTRUCTION PROJECTS THEY’LL NOW HAVE TO CUT IS GOING TO UNDERMINE OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND THE QUALITY OF LIFE OF OUR TROOPS, WHICH MAY BE TRUE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, NOW WE’LL HAVE A WALL. HIS TAJ-MA-WALL. SOME SUGGEST THAT TAKING THE MONEY FROM THE MILITARY TO PAY FOR THIS VIOLATES HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISE.>>I WILL BUILD A GREAT, GREAT WALL ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER. AND I WILL HAVE THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE PAY FOR THAT WALL. WE WILL BUILD A WALL. AND OUR DEFENSE BUDGET WILL PAY FOR THE WALL. WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL?>>U.S. MILITARY!>>BETTER BELIEVE IT.>>Jimmy: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THAT WALL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: THAT WALL, THAT WALL IS LIKE DONALD TRUMP’S SEX LIFE. HE TALKS A BIG GAME, BUT IN THE END, HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET IT UP. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS, EVERYBODY. THIS IS A, I KNOW I SAY THIS EVERY NIGHT, BUT THIS IS A CRAZY STORY. THIS STORY TELLS YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT. OVER THE WEEKEND HE INCORRECTLY TWEETED THAT HURRICANE DORIAN WAS HEADED FOR ALABAMA. AND THEN THE WEATHER SERVICE IN ALABAMA HAD TO TWEET, ALABAMA WILL NOT SEE ANY IMPACT FROM DORIAN. WE REPEAT, NO IMPACT FROM HURRICANE DORIAN WILL BE FELT ACROSS ALABAMA. THE SYSTEM WILL REMAIN TOO FAR EAST. THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T LIKE THAT, BECAUSE HE SAID IT WAS COMING, AND NOW THEY’RE SAYING IT’S NOT, AND HE LASHED OUT AT AMONG OTHERS ABC NEWS. HE’S INSISTING THAT THE HURRICANE WAS ORIGINALLY FORECAST TO HEAD TOWARD ALABAMA, WHICH IT WAS NOT. THEN HE MOVED ON TO THE NEXT CRAZY THING. AND HE FORGOT ABOUT THAT EXCEPT FOR ONE PERSON, HIM, HE HAD A VISUAL AID. WATCH THIS.>>WE HAD ACTUALLY OUR ORIGINAL CHART WAS TRA HAT IT WAS GOING BE HITTING FLORIDA DIRECTLY, MAYBE I COULD JUST SEE THAT KEVIN. IT WAS GOING TO BE HITTING DIRECTLY, AND THAT WOULD HAVE AFFECTED A LOT OF OTHER STATES, BUT THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL CHART.>>Jimmy: OKAY, SO TWICE HE SAID THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL CHART. LET’S ZOOM IN. YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE DREW A CIRCLE WITH WHAT SEEMS TO BE A SHARPIE. SO THE ORIGINAL CHART NOW INCLUDES ALABAMA. NOW THIS WAS THE REAL ORIGINAL CHART. WHICH DID NOT INCLUDE ALABAMA. AND THIS IS WHAT TRUMP SHOWED US TODAY WITH ALABAMA IN IT. SO THE QUESTION IS, WHO AT THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD DO THIS? COULD IT BE SOMEONE WHO LOVES SHARPIES?>>A SHARPIE, I SAID DO ME A FAVOR. CAN YOU MAKE THE PEN IN BLACK? MAKE IT LOOK RICH? HE SAID NOT ONLY CAN WE DO THAT, WE CAN PUT YOUR SIGNATURE ON. SEE, THAT’S YOUR SIGNATURE RIGHT THERE.>>Jimmy: THAT’S RIGHT. HE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THE LIES ANYMORE. NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE FAKE NEWS, WE NOW HAVE FAKE WEATHER, TOO. I’M HOPING WE GET FAKE SPORTS, BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE THE METS WENT THE WORLD SERIES, BUT. [ APPLAUSE ] HE REALLY MUST THINK WE’RE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS. HEY, THEY LEELECTED ME PRESIDEN. LET’S SEE WHAT OTHER DUMB CRAP THEY’LL GO FOR. I’M SURE THE RUSSIAN LOVE THIS. THEY’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES TRYING TO MEDDLE IN OUR ELECTIONS. ACCORDING TO A STUDY FROM NYU, MOST OF THE MEDDLING COULD COME ON INSTAGRAM. THERE’S A LOT OF FAKE STUFF. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE PHOTOS AND PEOPLE LOOK HAPPY? THEY’RE NOT. MOST OF THE INTENTIONALLY MISLEADING POSTS WILL BE SPREAD NOT BY RUSSIANS BUT BY AMERICANS. BASICALLY, PUTIN TOOK OFF OUR TRAINING WHEELS AND GAVE US A SHOVE AND NOW WE’RE DOING IT ON OUR OWN. FOR INSTANCE, WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PAIR OF BREASTS MIGHT INSTEAD BE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN’S REAR END. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>YEAH, THANKS.>>Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN DOING SQUATS? >>NO, NO, NO EXERCISE FOR ME.>>Jimmy: AND ANOTHER THREAT TO THE ELECTION ARE THESE WHAT THEY CALL DEEP-FAKE VIDEOS. THEY TAKE CLIPS AND MANIPULATE THEM TO MAKE IT LOOK AS IF SOMEONE DID OR SAID SOMETHING THEY DID NOT DO. THIS VIDEO OF DONALD TRUMP AND MIKE PENCE MIGHT NOT BE AUTHENTIC.>>LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL RISE FOR BROOKLYN HEIGHTS! ♪ ♪ NOW I CALLED YOU A LIP SYNCH ASSASSIN THIS SEASON. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO COME OUT ON TOP TONIGHT?>>DO YOU MEAN BESIDE THE LOOSE PEARLS AND RAZOR BLADES?>>WELL, THE STAGE IS WHERE I’M MOST COMFORTABLE. I’M JUST GOING TO GO HERE AND LIVE MY VERY BEST LIFE. THIS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE.>>SO WHO’S HERE SUPPORTING YOU TONIGHT? ? I HAVE MY MOMMY HERE. THANK YOU, MOTHER HEIGHTS. THANK YOU.>>BROOKLYN, HOW DO YOU PLAN TO USE THAT BIG, FAT ASS IN TONIGHT’S LIP SYNCH SMACKDOWN?>>SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR BROOKLYN HEIGHTS. ♪ ♪>>Jimmy: YOU SEE? THE FAKE PART OF IT. ALL RIGHT, SO BACK TO THIS HURRICANE. THIS MORNING IN FLORIDA, POLICE WERE ALERTED TO THE FACT THAT 15 KILOS OF COE CCAINE HAD WASHED ON THE BEACH. THIS IS ONE OF THE PACKAGES. IT WAS QUITE A DISCOVERY. A GUY WAS WALKING ON THE BEACH AND FOUND THIS STUFF. JOINING US LIVE FROM COCOA BEACH IS THE MAN WHO FOUND THE 15 KILOS.>>SO EXCITED. HOLY MOLY I’M EXCITED.>>Jimmy: I WAS TOLD YOU FOUND SOMETHING ON THE BEACH.>>I FOUND SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE DRUGS, AND I SMELLED IT AND SURE ENOUGH, 12 KILOS OF COCAINE.>>Jimmy: I THOUGHT IT WAS 15 KILOS.>>SORRY, IT’S REALLY WINDY, JIMMY BABY. LIEFK I WAS SAYING, IT’S NOT EVERY DAY YOU FIND SIX AND A HALF KILOS OF COCAINE ON THE BEACH.>>Jimmy: HOW’S THE WEATHER?>>IT’S BAD, REALLY BAD. I’M GOING TO HUNKER DOWN AND WORK ON THIS IDEA FOR A SCREENPLAY. THIS GUY KICKS SOME SERIOUS ASS. HE’S STROLLING DOWN THE BEACH AND FINDS TWO KILOS OF COCAINE.>>Jimmy: STAY SAFE, GOOSE. BE CAREFUL WITH THAT HURRICANE.>>HELL, YEAH, I WILL, MAN. PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY’RE FINDING COCAINE ON THE BEACH DOWN HERE. I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY.>>Jimmy: OH.