Sep
07
Trump Hard at Work Not Working


ENOUGH, RIGHT? I THINK WE GET IT NOW. QUICK QUESTION FOR THOSE OF YOU IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE. HOW MANY OF YOU ARE ON VACATION RIGHT NOW? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE REASON I ASK IS BECAUSE WEIRDLY, IT’S BECOME UNUSUAL, ACCORDING TO A STUDY DONE BY THE U.S. TRAVEL ASSOCIATION, MORE THAN HALF OF AMERICAN WORKERS DO NOT USE ALL THEIR VACATION DAYS, WHICH IS CONFUSING, BECAUSE BASED ON WHAT I SEE ON INSTAGRAM, IT SEEMS LIKE ALL ANYONE EVER DOES IS GO ON VACATION. BUT THEY SAY THAT LAST YEAR ALONE, U.S. WORKERS LEFT ALMOST 800 MILLION DAYS OF VACATION ON THE TABLE. THEY DIDN’T TAKE THOSE DAYS OFF. I GUESS FERRIS BUEHLER’S SACRIFICE MEANT NOTHING TO US AT ALL. THE ONLY AMERICAN WHO’S REALLY USING HIS VACATION IS DONALD TRUMP. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN — [ APPLAUSE ] I HAVE TO HAND IT TO HIM. HE HAS BEEN VERY HARD AT WORK NOT WORKING LATELY. THE FIRST ITEM ON TRUMP’S SCHEDULE TODAY, AND THIS IS TRUE, WAS AT 11:45. PEOPLE WHO WORK AT MARIJUANA DISPENSARIES GET TO WORK EARLIER THAN THAT. HIS DAILY SCHEDULE. BY THE WAY, THERE’S NO COMMUTE. HE WORKS IN THE HOUSE. DAILY SCHEDULE IS BASICALLY WAKE UP, TV, TV, TWEET, TWEET, YELL AT REPORTERS IN FRONT OF A HELICOPTER. EAT, TWEET, TV TWEET, EAT, SLEEP, REPEAT. [ APPLAUSE ] HE HAD ONE PUBLIC EVENT ON HIS SCHEDULE THIS WEEK. HE PRESENTED THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO NBA HALL-OF-FAMER JERRY WEST. THAT WAS IT THIS WEEK. LAST WEEK HE HAD ONE EVENT ON HIS SCHEDULE. HE HAD A CEREMONY NOTICE ROSE GARDEN TO AUTHORIZE THE NEW SPACE FORCE. EVEN BEN CARSON IS SAYING YOU MIGHT WANT TO PICK UP THE PACE ON THIS. IT’S A LITTLE WEIRD WHEN FWAR MOW IS WORKING HARDER THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.>>THAT’S RIGHT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: THE PRESIDENT DID FIND TIME IN HIS SCHEDULE TO COME UP WITH A NICKNAME FOR THE STAR OF “WILL & GRACE” TODAY. THIS MORNING HE WROTE BAD ACTRESS, DEBRA “THE MESS” MESSING IS IN HOT WATER. GOOD ONE, DONNIE. SHE WANTS TO CREATE A BLACK LIST OF TRUMP SUPPORTERS AND IS ACCUSE THE OF McCARTHYISM AND OF BEING A RACIST BALECAUSE OF THE THINGS SHE SAID ABOUT BLACKS AND MENTAL ILLNESS. IF ROSEANNE BARR SAID IT, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THROWN OFF TELEVISION. SHE WAS THROWN OFF TELEVISION. WILL NBC CONTINUE TO ALLOW A RACIST. WATCH THE DOUBLE STANDARD. HE DOES HAVE A POINT. THIS IS AMERICA. THE ONLY RACIST WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A TV SHOW IS HIM. REALLY, HE’S THE PRESIDENT. REMEMBER WHEN DONALD TRUMP VOWED TO TAKE OUT ISIS? I GUESS THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN, SO HE’S GOING AFTER “WILL & GRACE”, AND DEBRA “THE MESS” MESSING. BUT THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO ALL DAY. IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVIL’S TINY WORKSHOP. HE PUSHED BACK AGAINST REPORTS THAT HE WASN’T WORKING MUCH. THEY RERE-LEASED HIS SCHEDULE, CALL KINGS OF PLACES, DO STUFF, LEAD, AND SHARPIE. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THE PRESIDENT NOT WORKING. IN FACT, THAT IS WHAT I WANT. I DON’T WANT HIM WORKING. YOU KNOW YOU’RE ON A BAD ROAD TRIP WHEN YOU’RE GLAD THE DRIVER FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL. THAT’S HOW I LOOK AT IT. SO TRUMP’S NUMBER ONE FOCUS TODAY WAS TO TRY TO CONVINCE US YET AGAIN THAT HE WASN’T WRONG ABOUT THIS HURRICANE HEADING TOWARD ALABAMA. YESTERDAY HE SHOWED A MAP THAT WAS ALTERED WITH A SHARPIE THAT SAID THE HURRICANE COULD HIT ALABAMA. AND TODAY HE TWEETED SIX TIMES ABOUT THIS TODAY. ALABAMA WAS GOING TO BE HIT OR GRAZED, AND THEN HURRICANE DORIAN TOOK A DIFFERENT PATH. THE FAKE NEWS KNOWS THIS VERY WELL. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE THE FAKE NEWS. CERTAIN MODELS STRONGLY SUGGESTED THAT ALABAMA AND GEORGIA WOULD BE HIT. THE GREAT STATE OF ALABAMA WOULD HAVE BEEN HIT OR GRAZED. WHAT I SAID WAS ACCURATE. JUST AS I SAID, ALABAMA WAS ORIGINALLY PROJECTED TO BE HIT. I WAS WITH YOU ALL THE WAY, ALABAMA. THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA WAS NOT. THERE IS NO QUESTION IN MY MIND HE NOW WANTS ALABAMA TO BE HIT BY A HURRICANE. HE’S DYING FOR THIS TO HAPPEN. [ APPLAUSE ] IF YOU ARE IN BIRMINGHAM, HUNTSVILLE, MOBILE, NOTHING WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPIER THAN TO SEE YOU GUYS WIPED OUT TONIGHT. TODAY, BY THE WAY, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ANONYMOUS OP ED IN THE “NEW YORK TIMES” WRITTEN BY AN UNKNOWN SENIOR MEMBER OF HIS ADMINISTRATION? WELL, THIS PERSON ROWROTE THAT LOT OF PEOPLE IN TRUMP’S CIRCLE WERE STICKING AROUND TO KEEP HIM FROM PURSUING HIS WORST IMPULSES. THIS PERSON SAID THEIR PLAN WAS TO STAY AND TRY REIN HIM IN. THAT WAS A PLAN, YOU GET AN F-MINUS, BECAUSE IT DID NOT WORK. THE ARTICLE SAID, THE QUOTE WAS THERE ARE ADULTS IN THE ROOM. UH, SPECIFICALLY, ADULT FILM STARS, BUT TODAY IS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THAT OP ED, WHICH WAS TITLED, I AM PART OF THE RESISTANCE. WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHO WROTE THIS. TODAY THE TIMES RELEASED A VIDEO INTERVIEW WITH THE WRITER. I THINK IF YOU PAY ATTENTION THERE ARE SOME CLUES TO BE FOUND HERE.>>YOU CLAIM TO BE THE AUTHOR OF I’M PART OF THE RESISTANCE INSIDE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, IS THAT CORRECT? ?>>YES.>>AND YOU CLAIM TO HAVE CLOSE ACCESS TO THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF?>>VERY CLOSE.>>HOW CLOSE?>>TOO CLOSE.>>YOU ALSO PURPORT TO BE PART OF THE GROUP THAT RESISTS THE PRESIDENT’S AGENDA?>>I MEAN, YES.>>HOW DO YOU DO THAT? HOW DO YOU RESIST?>>OH, I DO MANY TINGS, MANY TINGS. I TIE HIS SHOELACES TOGETHER. I LACE HIS ADDERALL WITH SKITTLES. THE TOILET SEAT CLOSED. MANY THINGS.>>AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?>>BECAUSE HE IS IDIOT. I WANT TO GO BACK TO NEW YORK AND DO SHOPPINGS. HOW MANY POPEYE CHICKENS CAN THIS FATTY EAT? UH, I HAVE TO DO GROOMING NOW. BE BEST.>>Jimmy: YOU KNOW, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYONE. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN COUNT CHOCULA’S WIFE FOR ALL WE KNOW. MEANWHILE, GENERAL JOHN KELLY, WHOM SOME SUGGESTED WAS THE PERSON WHO WROTE THAT OP ED, ACCORDING TO CNN, WHEN HE LEFT, HE PROMISED THE PRESIDENT HE WOULDN’T WRITE A TELL-ALL BOOK WHILE HE WAS STILL IN OFFICE. TRUMP PROMISED KELLY THAT HE, IN TURN, WOULD NOT READ A BOOK WHILE IN OFFICE. IT’S A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED THE ART OF THE DEAL. BUT I’D RAEAD IT, BUT DO WE REALLY NEED A TELL-ALL BOOK FROM JOHN KELLY? SEEMS LIKE HIS FACE TOLD US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON THERE. HERE’S ONE WE WON’T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TRUMP IS OUT OF OFFICE FOR. SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS WRITING A BOOK. WE ALSO LEARNED THE TITLE. IT WILL BE CALLED “THIS IS NOT A BOOK.” AND, YOU KNOW, AS PRESS SECRETARY, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS WORKED ABOUT AS HARD AS HER BOSS IS WORKING. SHE WENT 94 DAYS WITHOUT HOLDING A PRESS BRIEFING. CHAPTER FOUR, SARAH SITS IN HER OFFICE FOR A MONTH, EVALUATING MARS BARS. I IMAGINED A LOT OF THINGS WOULD