Jan
16
Guessing Ridiculous News Headlines: Bridesmaid Spies, Tiny Pigeon Hats


-Now, normally I like to start
the show with a monologue about something super important
to my life, like bobby pins or burritos. But I’ve been so busy lately, I’d rather use this time
to catch up on current events. But to make it more fun, I thought we’d play one of my
favorite games “Guess the News.” Here’s how it goes. My writers are going to show me
part of a headline and I’ll try to guess the rest. Will you help me?
[ Cheers and applause ] Alright, let’s do it. First up,
an elderly Japanese man was recently arrested
for something. Was it “A,” calling
a customer-service number over 24,000 times
to ask them questions about how to use
everything they own. B, lying to women
and saying he was 30 years old. Or C, dressing up
as sexy Harry Potter. I hope it’s not that one because I don’t want to see
an old guy’s wand. I’m gonna go with B? [ Buzzer ]
Ugh. Okay, the actual answer was “A,” calling a customer-service
number over 24,000 times. What?!
[ Laughter ] You know it’s bad when
telemarketers are blocking you. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] In that case, you don’t have to
tell me this man was elderly because I would have just
figured it out. Who calls anyone anymore? [ Laughter ] Next up, after spending
18,000 years in ice, researchers in Siberia have found a perfectly
preserved something. Is it “A,” a puppy? B, a bottle of vodka? Or C, a painting of a guy
who looks like Nicolas Cage? [ Laughter ] 18,000-year-old bottle of vodka? I don’t know. Maybe the cavemen
and sorority girls partied the same way.
I don’t know. But just for kicks, I want to
say C, the Nicolas Cage one. [ Buzzer ] Okay, the actual answer was “A,” they found a perfectly
preserved prehistoric puppy? What? See, I think that’s
from the end of that movie “Old, Old, Old, Old Yeller.” Yeah, I guess that puppy wasn’t
actually moving to a farm upstate with plenty of room
to run around. Okay, next headline. A British woman hired
a professional bridesmaid for her wedding to do something. Was it “A,” make her look better
by comparison? I mean, I respect that. B, be an Adele impersonator?
Okay. Or C, spy on the groom and catch him cheating
at his bachelor party. [ Audience ohs ] I feel like it’s the Adele one
because that would be the best way to make sure everyone cries
at your wedding, no? [ Laughter ] I’m going to go
with the Adele one. [ Buzzer ]
Seriously?! Let’s see the real headline. C?
[ Audience ohs ] She hired the woman to spy on
her fiancé at his bachelor party and she caught him
cheating with six strippers. [ Audience ohs ]
Six?! Okay, she should be mad,
but, like, not too mad. [ Laughter ] I mean, if a guy can have sex
six times in one night, you marry that guy. [ Cheers and applause ]
Come on. Next up — So far I’ve gotten
this many right. Next up, a mystery person in
Las Vegas has been doing what? “A,” filling salt shakers
with crystal meth? [ Audience ohs ] B, putting tiny cowboy hats
on pigeons. [ Laughter ] Or C, hacking all the slot
machines to say “boobs.” Wait, you can do the same trick
with a slot machine that we all did with
our calculators in school? I did not know that.
[ Laughter ] Okay, I think it’s —
I’m gonna say the pigeons. [ Ding! ]
Hey! [ Cheers and applause ] A mystery person is putting
tiny cowboy hats on pigeons. That’s incredible. Can we take
a look at the real picture? Oh, my God! I got to say, that was
a little unnecessary though. There are already enough disease-covered cowboys
in Vegas. You know what I mean?
[ Laughter ] Our last news story tonight
is from Florida because they always are. A man kept calling 911 to
complain about something. Was it “A,”
his weird-shaped penis? B, his stolen weed. Or C, his obsession with
“Gossip Girl.” See, was it the weird-shaped
penis though? I guess
he could have been calling to report a suspicious package. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I am gonna go with the package. [ Buzzer ]
No! Oh, it was B. The Florida man kept calling 911 to report that his roommate
had stolen his marijuana. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, his roommate
called 911 to report that he couldn’t find
the flaming hot Cheetos.