[upbeat music] – Are you sure
this is gonna work? – Trust me. Whip cream plus spray cheese equals cream cheese. – All right. [loud bang] – Mads, are you okay? – I failed. – To look in the mirror?
– [chuckles] – My nursing school
application. I can’t ever be a nurse. – But you studied
for like a year. How’s that possible? – I flunked
the personality test. both:
Ohh. – Give me that!
– Hey. – I haven’t had sugar
in 10 years and you know what? I’m done trying to be good. – Wow. – [sighs]
– Well? – Mama’s got a sweet tooth. – Aah!
– Show me your stash. [playful music] – [man singing]
This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher – [women singing]
No you know you’re stuck here ‘Cause you’re a part-timer yeah – [man singing]
You can do anything – [woman singing]
As long as it’s not hard – [man singing]
And you can go anywhere – [woman singing]
As soon as you get a car – [man singing]
You’re gonna be a huge success – [woman singing]
Come on that’s not who you are – [man singing]
You’re a part-timer cursed With full-time dreams And this low-paying job
is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Oh Seriously, dude?
– Like, what the [bleep]? – And… got ya.
[laughs] I’ll see you next week. Oh!
– So, my mom was reading me the comics–
normal Tuesday tradish, and look who’s beady eyes
were staring at me from the crime section. [dramatic tones]
– [groans] – Pete Petronavitch,
18-year-old male was arrested for feeding ducks
in Maple Park after hours. This is the third strike
for Mr. Petronavitch. – It’s not my fault.
Those ducklings imprinted on me. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to be treated
like criminal Pete. It’s hard enough being treated
like Pete Pete. – Lucky for you I spent
some time in the slammer. – Uh, you said
it was for like an hour. – Yeah, which is
an hour longer than you, so obviously,
that makes me the expert. So allow me
to be your tour guide to the dark side. [clangs twice] – Oh, a secret door? Wow, Ian, this is so– [jazz music]
Oh, my God. Welcome to Club DuLocker. It’s a working title. – Mads, consider us your
sugar sherpas. – The shamans of the sweet. – As the Spaniards say,
azúcares espirituales. – Basically, we’re gonna
guide you through your first sugar high in a decade.
– Sweet. – Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No. You got to start right,
little sister. – Too fast,
you’ll have a bad trip. Too slow,
you’ll never leave the airport. – Yeah, you got to start
with something raw and pure. – Hold your nose and let
the sugar drip down your throat. Don’t force it.
– [gags] – Now slam
these gummy sours. – Now chew.
Chew! Chew! Chew! Chew! – Knock this back… and get ready for
the ride of your life. – [gulping] Oh, yeah! – Remember that rush?
First one’s always the best. – How could I forget it? – I want to do
something super crazy! Let’s go wild!
– Yes! – We’re with ya!
– Let’s… put sugar in the salt shaker. – Eh, think crazier.
– Salt in the sugar jar? – Not there yet.
– Here, you need to take a bump. – I got it, let’s go next door
and run through the carwash. – Yeah.
– Naked! [laughs] – Uh, I’m not gonna be
doing that. – Zero chance.
– Yeah. – Here we are, Pete,
bartender’s bound to be around here somewhere. – Shirley Temple… extra Shirley. – I feel like James Bond. – James Bond is a mama’s boy. He went to club DuLocker. We’re hardcore. – Drink up. – [coughs] [games beeping, whirring] – The carwash was awesome,
you guys. The brushes
left some lacerations, but no pain, no gain. Am I right? Where is it? – Where is what? – The sugar.
I need more… now.
– There isn’t anymore. – What?
– [whimpers] – Come on, man.
I just need a little more. Just a teensy bit.
– [grunting] – I’ll do anything. – Mads, I’m sorry,
we ate it all. – [screams]
No! There’s got to be more.
There’s got to be more. There’s got to be–
– Mads… I think you’ve had enough.
– [evil laugh] – Come on.
– [evil laughter] – Garbage cake. – And the downward
spiral begins. – [screams] – [giggles]
Fits like a glove. – You think he’s ready
to hear the master plan? – Ooh, I don’t know
if he’s ready. – I’m ready. Come on, Ian, you said
I was a criminal now. – Okay, we’re gonna
rob a bank. – What?
– Ha-ha! Just kidding, man. – Holy crap.
– Yeah, we actually tried that, but it was super hard.
– Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, instead,
we’re gonna rob Pork. E. Pines. – What? Guys, I am not comfortable
with this! I mean, what would
Anton think? Or Lori?
– That’s the beauty of it, they won’t even notice. – We’re gonna rig
all the videogames, so that every third quarter, comes directly to us. – And how are you
gonna do this? – We’re not.
– You are. First, you’re gonna go
down the street and break into
the construction site and steal a jackhammer. – Next, you’ll drill a tunnel
into the basement. – Then, you’ll knock down 10
holes in the support walls. – Without Lori noticing.
– And install a series of tubes that connect to the
quarter collectors of every game and empty those quarters…
– Into our bucket. – Okay…
– Also, you’ll need to install some kind of software that’ll reroute every third
quarter into our bucket so we aren’t suspected. We know you’re good
with computers, because you wear glasses.
– No! I just have a stigmatism. – We’ll worry about that later. First, and most importantly, you need
to break into Lori’s office and steal the alarm codes. – Because you’ll be doing
all the construction… both:
At night. – And what are your guy’s jobs? – Oh, we already did our job. – We got the bucket.
– The rest is up to you. – But–
– Pete! You’re not gonna be a success
in the real world with a criminal record, but you still
have a chance with us. – [groans]
Okay, I guess, but I’m that good
with a jackhammer, but maybe I can get the codes
from Lori’s office? – If you can’t use a jackhammer, you can always dig the tunnel
with this spoon. – [panting] [spy music] Damn.
Uh… Oh! S-E-X-B-O-O-K. Damn!
[sighs] [chuckles] “Alarm code: 1111” [cell phone rings] Mom, I told you
not to call me when I’m at work. They dropped the charges? I’m no longer a criminal? [laughs] – What are you doing
in my office? – Uh, masturbating.
– Mm-hmm. Give me the passcode. Now say “Hi,”
to Ian and Ella for me. – Hey, you got some candy? Any sugar?
Chocolate bar? – Sorry.
– Get a life! – [sighs] – Mads? Are you okay? – Uh, I had
kind of a rough day. – Yeah, me, too. I did this like weird dance on the dark side for a while, but, uh, you know, if you
really believe in yourself, you can come back
from anything. – Wow, Pete,
you’re so wise. – I know, right?
I read it on a Snapple cap. [both chuckle] Anyway, bye, Mads. – Bye, Pete. – She’s relapsing!
– Distract her. I’ll grab the cake.
– No need, you guys. I’m done with that.
10 days clean. – That’s great. – Hey, I’m really sorry
about nursing school, I know how much
that meant to you. – Forget it.
I’m over it now. I found a new calling.
– Heroin? – No, I’m going
to dentistry school. [upbeat music] – [sighs]
Do you have any 4s? – Uh, go fish. – Are you sure he’s coming back? – Yeah, he hasn’t been gone
too long. – It’s been 10 days!
– [groans] All right, fine,
let’s start digging. – Okay. And we only have
one spoon. and I got the bucket,
so… [upbeat music]